Technological headaches.

Being a musician these days is not an analog job anymore, especially if you’re have an instrument that can only play music from the 1900 on like the drum set. If you’re in that category, you’re going to have to deal wit some kind of machine. Oh, I am not complaining, it could be worse, I could be forced to be all electric like a guitar or a keyboard player. I won’t talk about singers which usually think that if they buy their own microphone, they’ve done their part and don’t need to read instruction manuals or follow specialized forums.

For the heavy hitters like composers, forget about it! You will be swimming in an ocean of little lights and colored button and an ocean of confusion while you’re at it for the rest of your days. I am now, I can say it fairly confidently, someone who composes. It has vey little value besides being tunes to play along with, but it does require a certain digital knowledge. Knowledge that I don’t have, unfortunately. All I got is my good will and a restrained budget. My boat is taking on water.

If you’re like me, the naïve and innocent kind, you think that buying a computer will be enough. In your mind you plug a microphone, you press “Record”, you go “Hmm” in the mic and you’re ready to listen to your art.

Tsk. Non, no, no.

My dear friend. First you need a device to plug in your microphone. You think it’s easy, so you go on the internet to get said device. Oh my! Pandora didn’t have a box that big! The choices available would make an engineer cry. You get all sorts of prices, options, shapes and sizes. You look at that, you don’t know what you’re doing (you will never know what you’re doing, my friend, if they keep you guessing, they keep you buying), you start your research, you’re sure it’ll take 20 minutes max, 2 weeks later, you’re biting the leg of your chair and you still haven’t purchased anything.

Finally, because some guy with an impossible name tag recommended Gizmo, that’s what you get delivered at your door. You smile. You poor naïve child, you smile! Now you’re sure you’ve got the solution to all your problems. You unwrap Gizmo with fingers of excitement and eyes of trepidation. You plug it where it needs to be plugged. You’ve learnt a thing or two by now, you know exactly where to connect the device, you’re a specialist!

You turn on the computer, you are triumphant as Gizmo comes to life and start to blink the blinks of welcome. You plug your microphone where you need to. You press record. Nothing! And it will be nothing until your blood pressure hits the roof and beyond because the technology goes to infinity and beyond.

Anyway, I’m not going to write another comedic bit about the depth of stupidity we feel when confronted with modern technology, it has been done and redone and I am humble to the giants like Eddie Izzard who have captured exactly what it feels like. Before I display Eddie’s video on the subject and let you enjoy that, I’ll simply say this: I’ve got a new gizmo yesterday. It didn’t work. I tried everything. It still didn’t work. I thought about it and thought about it. Obsessed, I didn’t sleep much last night. Woke up at 5 am this morning. Worked on the problem some more. Finally we are what? almost 6 pm and, O miracle! it works as it is supposed to. But I’ve got a headache. The devil did get the upper hand.

Warning: It has some crude language.