The decisions you make determine your fate when you’re a self-employed musician. You have to take the little decisions like the ones who concern what you wear for a gig, and the medium ones like which kind of car you buy, and the big ones like deciding to become a teacher or a player.
All of these will affect your life. All of them will have a ripple effect. I am constantly solicited. Should I go practice? Should I do my taxes? Should I advertise? Should I spend a moment with a friend? Should I repair my house? Should I invest in the stock market?
You would think that after doing it for 40 years I would have become better at it. You’d be wrong. Maybe I am a touch more relax about it compared to my beginnings. Not a lot though, because there is still today the same at stake as before: my survival on the line. If I mess up, I take the fall. I can’t avoid it, that’s what it is to be a one man army.
I need a set of tools to analyze a situation correctly then another set to draw the correct conclusion. Some people are great analyst. Some are better at concluding. I have to navigate both. Analyzing requires memorizing a lot of data. I can’t be skipping a detail that could be important later on. Synthesizing needs the quality of a juggler: make all the balls fall where you want them to. Sometimes the balls roll away, escape, the decision you make is crooked, corrupt. Not bad, no. Never bad. Still, whatever it is, you have to live with the consequences. Tough.
I don’t mind taking decisions. It’s part of the gig. Even living with the decisions isn’t a chore. What’s difficult is shutting down my emotions about it.
Let’s suppose that I have a to take a decision that involves the well-being of someone I care for. Let’s suppose that I know my decision will not be well-received or even understood for a long time, but it is the correct decision. That’s where I have to toughen up and not listen to my feelings. I’ve done that as a parent all the time. That’s what being a parent means. You have to. No other way to protect your young and help them grow. Some people are better than others to take tough decisions. I’m ok with it, I had my first kid at 33 years old, meaning I have had 13 years of training with my students at the time.
I still do the job today. I take my decision and calculate what my responsibility will be. I have to anticipate the consequences, always. Sometimes those thoughts keep me up at night. Rarely, though. I’ve learn to accept that life isn’t perfect, or people, or myself.
